Private Parts Read online

  Now, when I think of my radio audience, I envision guys driving to work on the expressway, guys who need an opportunity to hear about lesbians.

  Lesbianism, let's face it, is a godsend. Every man in the world is totally fascinated by those sisters of Sappho. I know I am. To have two girls doing wild things to each other with me in the sack would be unbelievable. And since I never got to experience any of that because I got happily married so fucking young, I have to do it vicariously.

  The Lesbian Dating Game from my TV show.

 

  Lesbians bring home the ratings. Lesbian Howiewood Squares (left) and, below. Kirk (me) and Spock (Gary) visit the Planet Lesbos ...

 

  .. a planet of wild Lesbians.

  EVERYONE LOVES GOOD LESBIAN STORIES

  I had a caller named Jean tell us about her initiation, courtesy of her counselor at Girl Scout camp. Jean was a ripe fourteen at the time and her counselor was seventeen. They started by hanging out on rocks and having long talks.

  "You mean you'd start talking about, 'Gee, what if other girls liked other girls?'" I asked.

  "No, this was in the days of Donna Reed. We didn't even talk about sexuality per se. I didn't even have the word lesbian in my vocabulary," Jean said.

  "I'm getting nervous with this story," I said. "I'm not hearing enough sex stuff."

  "You're not giving me a chance!" Jean protested.

  "It's a Friday! My audience isn't looking for Oprah," I prodded her. "What did your counselor look like? Was she cute?"

  "Stunning," Jean said. "I only went for the good-looking ones. Absolutely gorgeous. She was five-ten, athletic."

  "So she just all of a sudden starts kissing you?" I asked.

  "I think I started kissing her first. Then we'd find opportunities to get in bed together. We slept in a tent and I had my bunk carefully positioned at the back of the tent, with the flap that faced the woods. She'd sneak out at night, slip up through the back flap, and climb into my bunk," Jean said.

  "Were the other campers there?" I wondered.

  "Yeah! The other five Girl Scouts were sleeping," Jean said.

  "Wow!" I marveled.

  "Yeah, and we'd fondle and pet and ..."

  "I'm never sending my kids to camp," I said.

  "Years later, my mom said if she'd known that that's what I was going to camp for, she never would have sent me," Jean laughed.

  "HEY ALISON, IF YOU'RE LISTENING, CHAIN THE KIDS TO THE BED," I warned my wife.

  "It was like Club Med," Jean went on. "I had two counselors at one time the following year. I did it in a church with a counselor. There was a chapel out in the woods and we did it in the church on an overnight."

  "LESBIANS -- OH, I LOVE LESBIANS! I LOVE LESBIANS!" I ranted.

  WE'VE GOT THE KINKIEST LESBO STORIES, TOO

  One woman called in who said she looked just like Cindy Crawford. She was five-nine, weighed 130, with a 38-26-38 Double-D body. She told me that when I have lesbian calls, she lies in bed and "takes care" of herself. But her best story was the story of her lesbo induction.

  "I have a really, really best friend in the whole world, even hotter than me. She looks like the redhead on 'China Beach.' There was always an element of sexual tension between us. She was also very promiscuous in the days when promiscuity was safe. From time to time, before we'd go out, she'd get dressed and I'd see her breasts and everything, and I'd just try to hold it in. I would be dying, you know. She knew about my lifestyle, that I was into girls, and she used to tease me without trying. I think she wanted it, but she didn't know how to go about it either.

  "She was always kinda hot for my brother. We lived on an island and our parents went away for the summer. So one night, I went down to the nightclub at Ocean Beach and I met a friend. We were just going to have some drinks ..."

  "What were you wearing that night?" I interrupted her monologue.

  "I had on a Danskin that was like a tank top. No bra, hard nipples. Minishorts. So me and my friend walked back to my parents' boat and the boat was moving. I said, 'Hmm, somebody must be down there.' It was my brother and my girlfriend. And they were very nude. They were doing it. And I almost died. I wanted her. I turned around to the person I was with and said, 'Oh, you gotta go -- my parents are on the boat!' He gave me a hard time but he left. So I went down in and I saw them and she was facing away from him, looking right at me. I just took the straps down off my Danskin and I pulled it down around my waist, and I was just standing there, topless, and she stuck her hand out like to come here."

  "Oohh! And your brother's there!" I screamed.

  "My brother didn't know what was going on. And I walked over and I started to -- "

  "Kiss her? Touch her?" I gasped.

  "Kiss things," she laughed.

  "Oh, man, my sister never got it on with anyone in front of me!"

  "Howard, you've got to stop, I'm getting so horny," she said.

  "You are?! You're a minx! And you grabbed her?" I guessed.

  "I was very gentle. We got it on, but I didn't do anything with my brother. While she was doing stuff, I was doing her."

  "This is the sickest, sick..." I feigned disgust.

  "Oh, it is not! I wanted to make sure that she reached, because in that position you really can't."

  She talked a bit more and then she hung up.

  "Horny girl. In front of her brother. That's the sickest thing -- sick animal. Perverts." I was delirious. "This country's doomed. Where am I? I'm not doing anything! I haven't gotten it in three months."

  One of the hottest lesbian stories I ever heard came from the lips of a twenty-six-year-old listener who had just had her first experience the night before she called in. She was a successful businesswoman who was in sales. She said she had always thought about trying lesbianism but had never really done it. She claimed to be a very good-looking woman so I asked her if a lot of women came on to her.

  "No, I've never had another woman come on to me," she said.

  "Do you dress provocatively at work?" I asked her.

  "No. I wear very nice business suits."

  "Underneath your business suit, do you sometimes wear -- "

  "A camisole," she said. "Very lacy, silky, satin."

  "And do you wear panties with those garters?" I asked.

  "No, but I wear the thigh-high pantyhose with just elastic and lace on the top. Very, very sexy."

  She reported that she was five-eight and weighed 120 pounds and that her measurements were 34D-26-36. I started getting really horny. Then she said she looked like Phoebe Cates.

  "No, c'mon -- be serious," I moaned.

  "No, it's true. I have long dark hair and full lips, like the kind that people are collagening."

  "All right. So what happened to you yesterday that caused you to enter the world of lesbianism?" I couldn't wait to hear this.

  "Well, I was going to meet a friend to grab a bite to eat and have a drink. I got to her neighborhood early, and I had a few hours to kill, so I thought I'd go into a club that I thought looked nice. I walked in, and there weren't that many people there. But it was early. So I sat down at the bar.

  "The girl behind the bar was dressed outrageously, and was very sexy, and she was just really pleasant. Then somebody sat down next to me, and she was really attractive. She had on a miniskirt and a shirt that tied. She didn't have a bra on. She kind of looked like Cindy Crawford. I mean, this is stretching it, but she was very, very pretty. And very buxom ..."

  "Hey, how many guys are aroused so far? Jackie -- you got one?" I asked.

  "Flying," reported Jackie "the Joke Man."

  "Me, too -- I'm flyin'," I said. "Fred?"

  "Cindy Crawford did it for me," said Fred Norris, the man from Mars and one of my writers.

  "I've been flyin' since she told me that she wears those camisoles. Robin, anything flyin' on you?" I asked.

  "I don't even know what the story's about," Robin said.

  "So you'r
e at the bar, and she sits down next to you, and you go, 'Hey, she's a pretty girl,' " I said.

  "Yeah, we just started talking, and we were very comfortable together. The conversation just kept flowing. And then my drink got low and she said, 'Can I buy you another drink?' At first I didn't even think anything of it."

  "But were you thinking to yourself, 'Hey, this is a pretty sexy woman'? " I asked.

  "Yeah, I actually was thinking that, as I started getting a little -- you know -- it took a couple o' drinks to start really..."

  "And were you touching each other when you were talking? Did she put her hand on your back?" I asked.

  "No, she didn't do anything yet. Then I kinda looked around and was wondering why there were no men in here. I said, 'Isn't this bizarre that there's like no guys in here?' And she said, 'Do you know where you are?' I said, 'No.' And she said, 'This is a gay bar.' And I said, 'It is?' And she said, 'Wow, I'm sorry. I was really coming on to you.' It was really bizarre but I just looked at her and I said, 'Oh, I don't know that I would have minded that.' I don't know why that came out, but I guess it's because I was feeling it."

  "You were feeling sexy with her," I said. "Nothing wrong with that -- don't feel bad about that."

  "Well, it was really strange. And, as it turned out..."

  "Wait, wait. Slow this down," I said. "So this happens -- now where did you two go?"

  "Well, what happened was I went into the bathroom and I looked around the place -- there were things going on," she said.

  "Like there were people makin' out and stuff -- girls?" I asked.

  "Right. And when I went into the bathroom I didn't realize, 'cause I've never been in one of these places, but there were regular stalls to go to the bathroom, and then there were longer stalls -- and they have those loungers in them. And they're not the kind that fold down -- they're just straight, like beds, and they're curved a little."

  "You mean you can lay down with another girl?" I was beside myself.

  "Isn't that incredible?" she laughed.

  "And when you walked in, you saw two girls gettin' it on in the bathroom?"

  "Well, they're behind the stalls, but there're big gaps, so you could definitely see in. They were going wild, and I could not believe how turned on I got," she said.

  "It's like individual hump parlors," I marveled. "And you got really hot?"

  "Well, I'm sure the alcohol had a little to do with it..."

  "Right, and you were getting turned on. You said to yourself, 'I want this,'" I said.

  "And all of a sudden she came in behind me, and cupped me from behind. Do you know what I mean? And I just turned around, and at that point she kissed me."

  "She started to kiss you with her tongue?" I asked.

  "Oh, mmm-hmm," she moaned.

  "Fred, come over here and cup me. C'mon, man. C'mon, gimme a break, pal."

  "You know this is a great story," Jackie said, "because Fred stopped eating."

  "So she cupped you and you turned around and you started kissing. Then what happened? She started to disrobe you in the bathroom?" I prodded.

  "Mmm-hmm."

  "Did you go to one o' those little parlors?"

  "Yeah."

  "And she started to remove all your clothing?"

  "Yeah."

  "And then did you undress her?"

  "Yeah."

  "And then you had full lesbian passion?"

  "We did everything. We did it all," she said. "It was really wonderful, I must say. I don't know that I ever thought that this would have ever happened to me, but -- "

  "And she had a hot body?" I asked.

  "Yeah, she was really, really gorgeous."

  "What happened to the meeting with her friend, though?" Robin asked.

  "Screw the friend -- she's in the bathroom. Imagine the stink in there, too! Oh, man, what's goin' on? Like, aren't girls goin' in there and takin' dumps and stuff?" I asked.

  "Well, you know something? I don't know. I didn't pay attention to anything else that was going on."

  "What did you do first?"

  "Well, I didn't know what to do, so she had to teach me. She started tugging at my shirt but it wouldn't come down because my breasts are so big."

  "How big?"

  "My breasts are so full. They even look bigger because my stomach is so fiat and hard."

  "And your hips are really narrow, too, right?" I said.

  "Yes. She started ripping at my shirt, kissing me on my cleavage. I was getting really excited."

  "You were turned on?"

  "Yeah, my nipples were so hard and I got this really achy feeling all over my body."

  "Where? In your most private of places?"

  "Yes, I could barely stand up. She pushed me back on the couch. I was on the couch and I pulled my shirt off, exposing my breasts."

  "Did your breasts fall to the sides?"

  "No, they're really firm and full. They stood straight up."

  "So they're not sloppy. Hey guys, they're not sloppy!" Fred lay unconscious in the corner. Jackie's big toe, I know, was up his asshole. He was a gymnast in high school. "Then what happened?"

  "She played with me and caressed me and I was getting more and more excited."

  "What about your thigh-high pantyhose?"

  "I have really long, thin legs and I was wearing long, spiky high heels. She took off my shoes and she stripped me of my pantyhose and before I knew it, she was sucking... on my feet."

  "Did that turn you on?"

  "I loved it. No guy had ever done that to me."

  "So did you do anything to her?"

  "At first, no."

  "What was she wearing?"

  "She had no bra on. She just untied her top and her breasts just fell out. They were incredible. She rubbed them against my legs as she sucked my toes. She kept her miniskirt on, but she wasn't wearing any underwear."

  "Was she shaved?"

  "Completely!"

  "He's completely anarchic, outside the establishment. He's bawdy, lewd, lustful. constantly attacking sacred cows. He's also genuinely funny."

  -- Camille Paglia

  Whore! Slut! Bitch! Lesbo! Radio sucks.... We had to cut off her story. It was getting too graphic.

  I was going crazy. I tried to persuade her to come down to the studio and pose nude so we could paint her. I was going through my Van Gogh stage. But she was resistant. She claimed she was too busy at work.

  "Oh, c'mon -- you do sales. You can screw off a little bit. You've had time to be in bathrooms with women!" I protested. She still claimed she was too busy to come in. I used a harmonizer to make my voice sound deep, like Satan's.

  "Abandon everything! Now that you've had lesbianism, come to our studio and let us paint you! Let us paint you, my dear! You want to be naked in the room with me, Jackie, and Fred. Don't you wanna be painted and immortalized?"

  "I must say that this is like the most bizarre thing that's ever happened to me," she said.

  I kept trying, in my normal voice. "Hey, why don't you ask your lesbian to come on down with you? You guys can be in bathing suits, and we'll paint you while you guys get to know each other better. 'Cause I need nude models," I suggested.

  "I know you do, I know you do. I'm not sure that I'd be into that," she said.

  "All right." I gave up. "But I got Clapton tickets for you. That was a good story. Now I'm even more sexed up than I was fifteen minutes ago. Hey, do me a favor -- go meet another girl tonight and call us back tomorrow."

  She hung up. I felt drained. Then Gary came into the studio.

  "Can I tell you what a twisted world we live in?" he said. "We got a ton of phone calls from women, begging me for the name of the place, which we're not giving out. And I also got a call from a private investigator who wanted to know if we wanted to hire him to go in and videotape what's goin' on in there."

  The Di fferences Between the 80's and the 90's

 

  "Congresswoman Felner, are you willing to ad
mit your role in the S&L Fiasco ?"

  In the 80's radio personality Larry King made it big in television.

 

  "Congresswoman Felner, are you willing to admit that, despite being a lesbian, you find me attractive?"

  In the 90's radio personality Howard Stern is making it big in television.

  Hate Mail

 

  Dear Mr. Stern,

  I am writing in response to the insulting remarks you made about the Blessed Virgin Mary, lately. I am having a mass said for you, and Robin, for God to have mercy on you for the remarks you made about his mother.

  I will keep you in my prayers, and ask you to cease offending people and the Mother of God, who is by extension, mother of us all.

  This is a very old prayer card, but its so lovely, I wanted you to have it. I'm sorry it's torn. (Our Lady of Fatima-1917.)

 

  Dear Mr. Stern:

  Recently, you stated on the air that Chris Burke, the young man who plays "Corky" on "Life Goes On" is not an actor. You explained that he is not really acting because he has Down Syndrome, as does his character. In other words, because he is a retarded man and as such is limited to playing the roles of retarded young men, therefore, he is not a true actor. To this argument, I can only say: what an ignorant , moronic , asinine , infantile and, yes, retarded thing to say.

  So lay off Chris Burke and his acting. And good luck with your acting career. I advise you, though, to change your character's name from Fartman to Fartbrain, although in either case you might be accused of not being a "real actor" because rude, flatulent behavior seems to follow you everywhere.

 

  Dear Howard "the honky cracker kike" Stern,

  You ought to be ashamed of yourself for criticizing a great black man like Spike Lee. You seem to have a problem with black people who are doing well in this country. People like Bill Cosby, Arsenio Hall, and David Dinkins. You're just pissed off because the brothers used to kick your ass when you lived in Roosevelt. Couldn't your kike father teach you how to fight you honky faggot. I'm sorry I forgot, kikes can't fight. I hope Lemrick Nelson Jr. comes down to your studio and carves you up like a Thanksgiving Turkey.

  Sincerely,

  Angry Black Woman