Private Parts Read online

  Private Parts

  Private Parts

  Howard Stern

  Also by the Author:

  Penis

  Overcoming Homosexuality

  Darkroom Photography

  My Life with Fabio

  Winston Churchill: The Teenage Years

  Simon & Schuster

  NEW YORK LONDON TORONTO SYDNEY TOKYO SINGAPORE

  HOWARD STERN PRIVATE PARTS

  SIMON & SCHUSTER

  Rockefeller Center

  1230 Avenue of the Americas

  New York, New York 10020

  Copyright © 1993 by One Twelve, Inc.

  All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.

  SIMON & SCHUSTER and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster Inc.

  Designed by Bonni Leon

  Manufactured in the United States of America 13579 10 8642

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

  ISBN 0-671-88016-0

  TO DR. JOHN SARNO, for ridding me of back pain and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

  TO RAY AND BEN STERN, the two most giving people on the planet.

  I thank them for their love, guidance, and understanding.

  AND MOST OF ALL, TO MY WIFE, ALISON, who stuck with me through thick and thin, who never gave a shit about material things or put any pressure on me, who let me finger her on the first date, and who loved me before I had a radio show.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Writing a book just might be the hardest thing I've ever done, besides trying to get laid in college. I had no idea I could write a book when I signed on for this project, because quite honestly, I've only read about three books in my life. Anything longer than MAD magazine has always been a problem.

  Most people assume that the author of this kind of celebrity book just hires a guy to write the book for him. I always assumed that as well, so I went right out and hired Larry "Ratso" Sloman. Ratso's first job was to inform me that I'd have to write the book myself. I should have fired him for insubordination. Ratso was a great collaborator. He understands me and has that same sick, stupid, juvenile sense of humor. In other words, like me, he's a disaster as a human being. Ratso worked day and night focusing me on my best material. He didn't get laid once during the writing of this book and received only one blow job while sitting at his computer. When he called to tell me this sodomy story, I threw up. Ratso helped me find my "voice" on paper -- whatever that means. He's a real brother and a good friend.

  This book would not have happened without the guidance, wisdom, and beautiful pouty lips of my editor, Judith Regan. An editor's job is to push you, teach you, and to wear miniskirts with black mesh stockings, all of which Judith did so well. She's a wonderful mother and professional and I don't know how she does it all. She is quite simply brilliant. Judith put in ridiculously long hours, gave up many weekends while helping me out, and put a lot of faith in me as a writer, despite the fact that there wasn't a shred of evidence indicating I could write. She went way beyond the call of duty and her bosses at Simon & Schuster should worship her.

  I must acknowledge my radio comrades Robin Quivers, Fred Norris, and Jackie "the Joke Man" Martling. Robin, next to my family, is the most important person in my life. There is no one else who has lovelier jugs or the ability to draw out the best in me. She is the catalyst for all of my material. Jackie and Fred spend their day making me funny. All of the song parodies and endless one-liners come from these two great minds. They help me to be funny and are willing to stay behind the scenes while I get most of the attention. We all spend way too much time together.

  Laura Lackner, my tireless executive administrative assistant (can you believe I have one of those?), enabled me to be creative while she did all the nuts-and-bolts hard work and organization. She gave up many nights and weekends overseeing the entire project and no one cared more about the outcome of this book than Laura. Special thanks to her son Bobby, the coolest fourteen-year-old in the country, and the ever-present Mike Gange, for all the hours he sacrificed, which cost him his relationship with the only woman he ever loved.

  Don Buchwald, my agent and good friend, is the one person responsible for not only putting this book deal together with Judith Regan, but elevating my entire career beyond that of an asshole disc jockey. If it wasn't for him, I'd still be getting the

  shaft from creeps like the guys at WNBC. His guidance has enabled me to go where no radio guy has gone before. If anyone deserves the title Superagent, it's Don Buchwald.

  Also, I'd like to acknowledge the contributions of Mel Karmazin, the bravest broadcaster in the world, who has always believed in me.

  Let me list a bunch of other folks who busted their balls for this book. All of these people worked very hard and I want them to know how much I appreciated their assistance:

  Gary Dell'Abate: His memory of everything that ever happened on the show made researching a breeze. Gary is my main dude.

  Ralph Cirella: For making sure I look good. He put my look together for the cover and did all the celebrity impersonation makeup in the book.

  |

  Bonni Leon: Who designed the book and made this more than just some text with pictures thrown in the middle. She was devoted to me, worked well beyond the call of duty, and gave up many afternoons with her son.

  Jackie Seow: Great cover design.

  Cathy Tobin: Who toiled late into the night, researching and transcribing.

  Drew Friedman: For inspiring the back cover and for all the great illustrations.

  Jonathan Basile: Personal trainer to the stars, who got me in shape for the cover.

  Fran Shea and Lee Masters at E! Entertainment Television.

  To all the photographers and illustrators who allowed me to reprint their material: Jack Adler, Paul Aresu, Jim Cabett, David Crout, Peter Faris, Bill Farley, Frank Jacobs III, Jeff Kravitz, Manny Newhouse, Kerry Rae, Ted Shell, Natalie Silverstein, David Sobel, Beryl Sokoloff, Harvey Wang, Tim White.

  Archie Comics, Rex Babin, Chris De Fazio, Danny deBruin, David Jacobson, MAD magazine, Charles McLaren, David Miller, Jack Ohman, R. P. Overmyer.

  Special thanks to Barry Morgenstein, who chronicled my TV career so well and really knows how to take a picture.

  Thanks also go to Ellen and Peter Dunn: I love you guys; Ronnie Mund, who is always there for me; Leslie West, my musical inspiration; Neil Drake, for everything; Dominic Barbara; Gabriela Schwartz; Captain Janks; and Dr. Matthew Kaufman of Great Neck, dentist to the stars.

  Transcribers: Eugene Corey of Brave New Words, Carol Decon from Soho Wordpro, Kevin Renzulli, Linda and Steven Schwab; without their help I'd have nothing.

 

  Ronnie the Limo Driver

  Interns: Tara Bernie, Leslie Boghosian, Michael Falk, Steve Grillo, Sandi Kirkman, Randi Klein, Eliana Salzhauer.

  Cover girls: Tempest and Amy Lynn Baxter.

  Models: Michele Bale, Cindy Lynn Bodner, Christina Bonnici, Lynn Bratti, Michele Brindley, Terri Colavtoni, Cherlynn Dooley, Priscilla Dorinas, Jeannie Evans, Heidi Fiatz, Kathleen Gibbons, Deborah Grommet, Denise Grommet, Lisa Havel, Kirsten Kappenberg, Alexis Khoury, Jessica Lisi, Andrea Lorah, Gwen Lucas, Theresa Lynn, Stacey Marra, Karen Martinez, J. J. North, Sandra Pandelios, Lisa Pittuis, Gina Rose, Laura Shapanus, Trish Stratten, Pina Tondo, Joan Torino, Michelle Tyrrell, Tricia Zocchi.

  Michael Catino and the New Jersey Swimsuit Calendar Girls.

  Chauncé Howell, Steppin' Out magazine.

  And finally, thanks to Greg Aull, Nina Castro, Tom Chiusano, Charles DeFranco, Dan Forman, Mark Garten, Steve Herzfeld, Bill Knaub, Jr., Jim Lackner, Jr., John Melendez, Charles H. Menut, Al Rosenberg, Scott Salem, Dee Snider, Billy West.

>   CONTENTS

  Chapter 1 MY PHILOSOPHY 19

  Chapter 2

  IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES,

  IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES 35

  Chapter 3 BLACK AND BLUE LIKE ME 63

  Chapter k MY SEX LIFE 85

  Chapter 5 MEIN KAMPF-"MY STRUGGLE" 111

  Chapter 6 PIG VIRUS 153

  Chapter 7 SPILL IT 187

  Chapter 8 IF YOU'RE NOT LIKE ME, I HATE YOU 229

  Chapter 9 YES, I AM FARTMAN 243

  Chapter 10 THE WACK PACK 261

  Chapter 11 THE POWER OF NEGATIVE THINKING 269

  Chapter 12 YOU'VE BEEN A BAD GIRL, HAVEN'T YOU? 311

  Chapter 13 STAR WARS 335

  Chapter U OUT OF THE CLOSET STERN 355

  Chapter 15 THE COMICS 365

  Chapter 16 ANOTHER LESBIAN STORY 389

  Chapter 17 STUTTERING JOHN 393

  Chapter 18 STOP HOWARD STERN 415

  Afterword A PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE 439

  PRIVATE PARTS

  My Philosophy

  Lesbians, Lesbians, Lesbians

  CHAPTER

  1

  WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS A TRUE STORY

  I was driving to work on the Long Island Expressway.

  It was mid-morning. Not much traffic. I turned the radio on. About half an hour later, it happened. I put my hand on my pants. I couldn't believe it. I had to pull over. I pulled over into the shade. Someone one or two car lengths behind me certainly could have seen what I was doing, that's for damn sure! It was the first time I had ever done anything like this before. But the show was making me nuts that morning. I was beating off to a radio call-in show! Here I was in my business suit. I didn't want to spill my love gunk all over my pants. What the hell could I come on? The only thing I could find was an old leather glove. I grabbed it. The girl was young, and she was being seduced by an older woman. When she started talking about her 34D breasts and the fact that she was wearing no bra, that really got me turned on.

  LISA: I'm a blonde. People tell me I look like Catherine Oxenberg. I have a really good body.

  HOWARD STERN: How big are your breasts?

  LISA: Thirty-six D, I think.

  HOWARD: What do you mean, "I think"?

  LISA: I never wear a bra, so I don't know how big I am. I think a D.

  HOWARD: What about your waist?

  LISA: Twenty-four.

  HOWARD: Hips?

  LISA: Thirty-six.

  HOWARD: And you really dig lesbian sex?

  LISA: Yes.

  HOWARD: How old were you when you first had lesbian sex?

  LISA: Eighteen.

  HOWARD: Who with, a friend?

  LISA: No, my mother's friend.

  HOWARD: An older woman seduced you?!

  LISA: Yes. She was thirty-two. I was very frightened when it happened but it ended up feeling good.

  HOWARD: And you were fully developed at eighteen, were you not?

  LISA: Well, yeah, I guess so.

  HOWARD: Your breasts were a full D cup, your body had developed, you had hair on your body.

  LISA: I sprouted out early.

  HOWARD: Do you shave?

  LISA: Yes, I do.

  HOWARD: You groom very nicely?

  LISA: Yes.

  HOWARD: Yeah -- close-cropped?

  LISA: Yes, very close-cropped.

  HOWARD: Are you blond, uh, all over?

  LISA: Light brown.

  HOWARD: Really. Excellent!

  ROBIN: Well, now, let me ask you something. This friend of your mother's, what did she look like?

  LISA: Really dark hair. She looks like Demi Moore. With long legs and big breasts and stuff. She was thin and tall. She had a beautiful face.

  HOWARD: So your mom was real young when she had you?

  LISA: Yeah.

  HOWARD: So, how did you end up with your mom's friend?

  LISA: She would always come into my room and watch me change.

  HOWARD: Had she ever seen you nude growing up?

  LISA: Yeah, yeah.

  HOWARD: Had she seen you nude at eleven, twelve?

  LISA: I would say so.

  HOWARD: Had she seen you nude at fifteen?

  LISA: Yeah.

  HOWARD: Oh, man, I'm so turned on. I'm aching, that's how horny I am for you because you look like Catherine Oxenberg from "Dynasty." The long blond hair, the perfect body -- perfect. And you've runway modeled. I'm offering you to the lesbian community today. Am I not the greatest friend of the lesbian community? Do lesbians adore Howard Stern? If any o' you friggin' homos say a bad thing about me again, I am going to complain to somebody in the gay organizations. So what were you wearing the day she came over? You were probably in your sleepwear, weren't you?

  LISA: No, I was wearing a sundress.

  HOWARD: Oh, my God -- I love that! A sundress! God, I'd have fun with you as my girlfriend. You know what I'd do? I'd just put you in different outfits every five minutes. Dress you like a Barbie doll. So there you are, eighteen, you're in high school, your mom's friend comes over, and you're wearing a sundress, with a kind of a low-cut top, short skirt...

  LISA: Yeah.

  HOWARD:... and you're showing off your beautiful long legs, right? And you're wearing heels?

  LISA: Yes.

  HOWARD: I can't stand up right now. Do you believe that? Why don't you stand up, Jackie ["the Joke Man," one of my writers]? You big-bellied bastard.

  JACKIE: I don't have a hard-on.

  HOWARD: Yeah, I don't know what you have. You got a one-inch penis, that's why. You're probably aroused -- no one can see it. All right, anyway -- where were we? So why did your mom's friend come over?

  LISA: She was in the clothing business, so she brought a big bag of leather clothes and stuff, and she had this blue leather outfit for me to try on.

  HOWARD: So she said, "Hey, this is a great outfit. Do you wanna try it on?"

  LISA: Yeah, and I said, "Great." So we went upstairs and ...

  Listening to her first lesbian experience was more arousing than I imagined.

  I wanted to come while she was telling the story. I loved Howard's lesbian stories. At least five different guys told me that they jerked off to the show. Especially the lesbian stories.

  The story was getting better and better. I stroked and manipulated my shaft, careful not to hit the steering wheel. Careful not to pump too hard. I wanted this to last. I wanted to milk it for all it was worth.

  HOWARD: So you go upstairs, you're in your sundress, you go in the room together, and you say, "Hey, I'll try this on. No big deal to try it on in front of her." Now, here you are, with one of the best bodies I've ever seen, and all of a sudden you take off your sundress. Now, under your sundress, are you wearing a bra?

  LISA: No.

  HOWARD: Panties?

  LISA: Yes.

  HOWARD: Are they thong panties?

  LISA: No, just little white panties.

  HOWARD: Little white panties.

  LISA: So she said, "Well, why don't you take your clothes off so we can try the dress on?" So I did -- I unzipped my dress in the back, took it off, and put it on the bed. And I took my high heels off.

  HOWARD: Mmm-hmm. So you're completely naked except for panties. And then what happened?

  LISA: So I tried on the leather dress.

  HOWARD: Was it very tight?

  LISA: Very tight.

  HOWARD: And skimpy?

  LISA: It was really nice. And she zipped it up for me, and she looked at me, and she told me, "You look wonderful! You look great!"

  HOWARD: And she's holding you when she tells you this?

  LISA: No, she was standing behind me. We were looking in the mirror, and she was standing behind me, and looking at me. So I just said, "Thank you very much." And then I started walking toward the bed, to take the dress off, and she followed me, and she kinda

  like turned me around and sat me down on the bed. HOWARD (low voice): Talk slow. LISA: And then she ... she he
ld me.

  HOWARD: She hugged you?

  LISA: She put her arms -- yeah.

  HOWARD: And you said ...

  LISA: She put her arms around me, you know.

  HOWARD: From behind you?

  LISA: No, in front of me.

  HOWARD: In front of you.

  LISA: She sat me down so I was facing her, and she put her arms around me and my face was ...

  HOWARD:... close to her ...

  LISA: Chest.

  HOWARD: Your face was on her chest?

  LISA: Yeah.

  HOWARD: She held you and hugged you against her chest.

  LISA: Yeah. I was very nervous. I didn't know what to do.

  HOWARD: Did she kiss you?

  LISA: She started caressing me and touching my arms and all.

  HOWARD: And it felt good.

  LISA: And I started to get aroused.

  HOWARD: You got excited.

  LISA: Yeah, I did.

  HOWARD: You didn't resist.

  LISA: Absolutely not.

  HOWARD: You didn't say, "Hey, what's going on here? This is very

  unusual." Nothing.

  LISA: No, no. No, I was --

  HOWARD: And what did she say?

  LISA: There were no words spoken after that.

  HOWARD: No words spoken?

  LISA: No, no.

  HOWARD: She started caressing you, and then she did everything to you.

  LISA: Yeah.

  ROBIN: Did you do anything to her?

  Oh man! I was about to come but I held back. I was late for work but I didn't give a shit. I cranked the volume up and closed my eyes.

  LISA: She instructed me for about an hour.

  HOWARD: Oh, I can picture that. Oh, man! My head's exploding!

  LISA: Then she leaned over and kissed my mouth while she gently cupped my breasts.

  My penis exploded like a volcano and my hot molten liquid poured into my leather glove, just as Howard said, "Oh, man! My head's exploding!" I threw the glove out the window to destroy the evidence and sped off to work. FUCKIN' HOWARD, RADIO GOD!

  Can you believe this?

  My producer, Gary Dell'Abate (alias Baba Booey), actually knows this guy. And he knows five other guys who beat off to my show! It's a fucking epidemic.